Very Funny almost hilarious stuff ....

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy. Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? God has spoken. Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? They say that animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before the last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona . I had this happen to me twice within a week and a half. I was sitting on a subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a man says to me, "Excuse me, are you reading that paper?" The first time it happened, I didn't know what to say. What are you going to say? You're nearsighted? The next time, I was ready. I said yes, I stood up, turned the page and sat down. I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name or how you met or why they're dead. My wife and I took out life-insurance policies on one another--so now it's just a waiting game.