Bruce the Answer Man on Health : :)

====> Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay, it is a legalnotice. <==== Copyright 2000 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com/ Welcome to another session of Bruce the Answer Man. Today's topic: Health And Why It Can Be Good For You. Q: I've been dieting for nearly a year and I've only lost three pounds.I'm getting discouraged. What should I do? A: What you should do is gain some perspective. What difference does a fewpounds make in the grand scheme of things? Consider our planet. Earthweighs trillions and trillions of tons, and the Sun, the most potent forcein our solar system, is millions of times heavier. Are you more importantthan they are? Of course not! So why do you even own a device whichmeasures weights in something as infinitesimal as a pound? Does your watchmeasure time in zillionths of a second? Does your kitchen have measuringcups for adding a tenth of a grain of flour? In my opinion, anything lessthan a billion tons is "one." So yeah, if you weigh more than "one," youshould probably go on a diet. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one toone. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, andthat's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up yourheart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life ofyour car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: My wife says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables. A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do.Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So asteak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetablesto your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source offield grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended dailyallowance of slop. Q: Is beer bad for you? A: I normally don't like to answer questions which deal with my religiousvalues, but I find this question so anathema I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know,scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal,mineral, and vegetable. Well, we all know that beer is not an animal, andit's not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing,right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone you're on avegetarian diet. Q: What is my "skin age?" A: Well, how old are you? Q: I'm 38 years old. A: Well, I'd say your skin is at least that old, wouldn't you? Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the benchpress. What did he mean? A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air upyour shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you findthat it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought toreevaluate your exercise program. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exerciseprogram? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf,but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart! A: Uh, sorry, I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see you.